No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
