apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.