I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
