I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
