The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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