Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
