Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize