You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
