saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
