i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
