I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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