Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
