Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
