sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
