If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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