My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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