The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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