tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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