I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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