I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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