Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
