Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
