i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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