My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
