Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
