You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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