So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
