Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
