You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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