i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
