Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
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His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
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Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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