Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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