I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
