Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
