i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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