I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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