Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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