I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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