What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
