i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
