My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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