Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
