Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
