i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Shame is for Republicans.
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