I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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