tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
