Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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