Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
