i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
