i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
