Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Randomize
