I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
