glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
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you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
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I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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