Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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